so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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