did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
