you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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