I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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