We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
