I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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