i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
