You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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