Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
