i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
