If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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