No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
