I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
