Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
