he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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