I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Randomize
