the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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