Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think my vagina is haunted
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
