She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
