I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
ttyl tear gas
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
