sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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