After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
