Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
