if i can run in heels then i can drive
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
