my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize