I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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