Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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