My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
