Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
