God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
