i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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