So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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