Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just gift wrapped bread.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
