I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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