your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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