I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
