You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
