i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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