you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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