My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
