Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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