So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize