this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
