you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
