I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just gift wrapped bread.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
