I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
