Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
