i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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