I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
