perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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