I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
