I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Send help, water and tortillas.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
