Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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