You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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