barbara walters just said penis...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
